Sofia

Feeling emotional or physical numb or a general lack of emotions, it could cause a sense of isolation or emotional disconnected from the rest of the world. The numbness could be unbearable for many people who experienced it.

My therapist said many things about the numbness and shut down I was having.

She said I was physically and emotionally damaged because of the abuse I'd passed through.

Emotional damage could leads to someone to had anxiety, fear, guilty, shame, self blame, withdrawal, sad, hopeless, disconnected and numbed.

Physical damage could leads to insomnia, nightmare, racing of heartbeat, edginess and agitation.

Sometimes some event might trigger the painful memories.

If you'd been traumatized, it could leave you struggling with upsetting emotions, memories and anxiety wouldn't go away. It could leave you numb, disconnected and unable you to trust other people.

When bad things happened, it could take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again. But self-help and support could speed up the recovery.

Whether it happened yesterday or years ago, you could make healthy change and move on with your life.

For a while your response will be normal to abnormal reactions.

But when the pain wanted to kick in; learn to move your legs. When feeling disoriented, confused, upset, learn to take a mindful breath to calm down;  take 60breath - in and out.

Learn how to express your feelings, don't bolt it in, either write it down or talk about it.

And lastly, if you are experiencing emotional numbness, no matter how you feel, you're not alone, it couldn't last forever. Reach out to people who love you, let them in. It could help you to bridge the gap and begin a new life.

*******

I still remember all what my therapist did tell me, it had been a year now. And I was already moving on, getting to step on my own. But I always flinch when people yell around me.

I was very happy I loved him so much. He had always been there for me; patience, cared for me.

And today I was going to declare my love to him and make a move. (It had been two years ,we got married and haven't do the deed).

By 7:00pm he was waiting for me in his suit, I walked downstairs slowly like a princess I was. According to him. I was his princess.

I called maryam earlier to picked a dress for me with makeup .

I wore a long red gown the gown was very beautiful, it hugged my body very well, my makeup too was red but minimal with a red heel .

Smoky red

As I was descending down, everything seemed to froze. We gaze at each other, he didn't blink his eyes. I reached down, he took my hand and kissed the back which made me shivered.

"You look beautiful my princess" he husky voice was so deep with hunger.

"Thanks,you look good yourself"I replied shyly. He looked like a model from front page of a magazine.

"Where are we going handsome" I asked in a low seductive voice.

"It is a surprise" he replied breathing heavily. I caught him there. I touched his t.h.i.g.h, I was not a touchy person but tonight, I wanted everything to change.

We got down from the car,he took my hand and blindfolded me,but before he could, my breathing was high, he soothed me and told me to trust him.

We walked for a while before he unfolded me the blindfold but what I saw made my eyes and mouth to open in awe and surprised.

Red candles were used to decorate this place, with red petals on the floor. We were on an open area, when the cool breeze was breezing gently, the moon was up in middle, shinning it fullest. The stars bearing witness to the beauty.

He took my hand, held out the booth for me to sit, I sat down and he went to his and sat. He called the waiter, the waiter served us while smiling cheekily.

As I was eating, he was busy looking at me, imprinting my image to his brain. His hand cleaned the chocolate on my lips and and he licked it while groaning.

So hot!!!.

The red fruit wine was inviting in the glass. I was tempted to drink and I gave in to it. I drank it down, it was superb as I was about to return it, I saw a round like metal in the glass. I took it out and find out it was ring.

"Alhamdulillah, she found it. I was already getting scared whether you didn't find it or you've gulped it down" he said nervously.

He stood from his seat and came to me.

He gulped, looking nervous and scared . "Sophia Ali ,for the first time I set my eyes on you. I've known you are mine. I love you and you are everything I ever wish for. And I promise to always be there and stay by your side. You are my Angel, Queen, Other half deen,and heart. I promise to protect, cherish, love, care for you to my best ability and may God makes it easy for me. I will always be at your side in the good and bad. Without you I'm like a walking dead. Please don't leave me, I don't know maybe I will be able to recovered. You are my drug, medicine, therapist.... And my backbone. I was a man with no light but now, you are my source of lightness. I was lost before but with Allah's will, you guided me to Him. I don't think I will be able to live without you. Without you, I'm brainless, mindless, senseless, functionless, unhappy, fake, crumbled, shattered. Please don't leave me. And Sophia, please give me a chance to prove myself, to be a husband and better man". He said holding my legs softly. My heart was full of love, joy and excitement, he was everything I could ever wished for .

~~ I feel so blessed when I think of you

And I ask Allah to bless all we do

You're my wife and my friend and my strength

And I pray we're together in Jannah

Finally now I've found myself, I feel so strong

Yes, everything was changed when you came along

Oh

And there's a couple of words I wanna say

For the rest of my life

I'll be with you

I'll stay by your side

Honest and true

'Til the end of my time

I'll be loving you, loving you

For the rest of my life

Through days and nights

I'll thank Allah

Now and forever I-

I'll be there for you

I know it deep in my heart

And now that you're here

In front of me I strongly feel love

I strongly feel love

And I have no doubt

And I sing it loud

That I will love you eternally

I'll be with you

I'll stay by your side

Honest and true

'Til the end of my time

I'll be loving you, loving you

For the rest of my life

Through days and nights

I'll thank Allah

For opening my eyes

Now and forever I

I'll be there for you

I know it deep in my heart~

I looked at him with eyes glistening with tears, It was overwhelmed "I love you Yusuf, without you ..." He didn't allowed me to finish before he stood and scooped me up. My legs immediately wrapped itself around his waist.

"You love me?" He asked like he didn't believe his ears and I nodded happily with tears on my face.

"Please can you say it again" he asked softly.

"I love you Yusuf Umar"I screamed at the top of my voice before I smiled widely at him.

He looked at me in eyes and to my lips. He stared into my eyes and smiled. His eyes fulled of love, protection, security, safety, respect, adoration and patience.

Our lips met, it was as if fireworks exploded throughout my body, I shivered and heard him g.r.o.a.n.e.d.

At first the kiss was gentle, softly with promises and tenderness but then it grow bigger and intense .

He raised me up, I opened my mouth to gasped when he lunged his tongue in my mouth, tasting and s.u.c.k.i.n.g my lips, his hand roamed around my body, making me hot.

I was hot!

I needed him now!

We parted because we were mortals and needed air to breath, I looked at him to his lip, his lips was swollen from the recent activity.

I bended my head to take his lips but he moved his head, I let out a whinny sound while he chuckled and put me down on my shaky legs.

"Home" he rasped out in his husky deep voice. I was trying to know what he meant before he kissed me softly. He looked at me to him and him to me gesturing... I understand.

I laughed, I understand. Couldn't wait again .

"Home"

That was my first kiss.

*******