Chapter 164: Fatherly Love

Yan Qiuchi became honest and laid back down. After several minutes, he gradually leaned forward again. Shen Jintai heart was hot, but his face was cold. He felt that he currently had the momentum and needed to seize it: “Put on your clothes.”

Yan Qiuchi didn’t speak, but after a while, he said: “It’s uncomfortable to have on clothes while cuddling…”

“Didn’t you wear it before?”

Yan Qiuchi said: “That was then. Now… it’s different.”

How could it be the same? He had tasted the most delicious meat in the world but now he could only lick the bones. How could he possibly be satisfied? In fact, even while they embrace naked, it was already pushing his limits. He wanted to reproduce what they did last night.

Twice a day isn’t too much, right?

He felt that Shen Jintai’s fitness was pretty good. Not mentioning his own, as long as he thought about the feeling of them being wrapped between each other, he felt like he can ascend.

However, he also knew that couldn’t be delayed anymore. The whole crew was waiting on Shen Jintai. will also be officially released tomorrow so Shen Jintai have to carve out time for his promotional roadshow as well*.

*Clarity: I think it means the movie will be released in theaters nationwide. The premiere previously was a limited run before the movie hits theaters everywhere.

had garner a big reputation and was predicted to be a big hit among the blockbusters premiering at Chinese New Year’s. The screening rate has risen form 7% of the original to 15%* and it’s released is also at an opportune time. With reviews of the other blockbusters in the same period not as good, it was inevitable that would take the lead.

*Clarity: I believe this is referring to market share. Of all the movies that are shown during this time, When You’re Older is taking 15% of that share.

Shen Jintai fell asleep lightly and felt Yan Qiuchi tossing and turning. He hadn’t fallen back asleep since the early hours in the morning. When he opened his eyes, he felt Yan Qiuchi sitting up in the dark. He didn’t expect Yan Qiuchi to be such a lustful person, as if he could die from discomfort if he wasn’t relieved.

Shen Jintai was also infected by his strong desire. Thinking about how Yan Qiuchi was full of desire for him made his heart feel quite itchy. After all, it shows that the person he loves had a strong love for him, making him quite satisfied. He hesitated for a while and eventually the thought of having to go to the crew early morning and attend the premiere of in the evening made him hold back.

If he was honest, seeing Yan Qiuchi able to restrain himself even though he was obviously burning inside made him like Yan Qiuchi even more. He thought that men who can control their lower half are quite attractive.

When he woke up the next day, he found that Yan Qiuchi was no longer there. He got up and got ready. As he was blow drying his hair, Yan Qiuchi came into the bathroom and said: “I got you breakfast.”

Shen Jintai made a noise in acknowledgement and saw Yan Qiuchi’s expression looking a bit haggard. Yan Qiuchi walked behind him and took the hair dryer from his hands. Shen Jintai said: “I can do it.”

“Just satisfy this selfish request.” Yan Qiuchi said. If he hadn’t fallen in love, he didn’t know that he would be so clingy. He was afraid this would turn Shen Jintai off, but he couldn’t help himself. He just wanted to take care of and love him and he hated himself for not being able to do everything for him. In this way, by taking care of the one he loves, it brought him great satisfaction.

When Xiao Tang came over with breakfast, he saw Shen Jintai and Yan Qiuchi were already eating so he took the breakfast back to his room. When Li Meilan came, he asked her: “Sister Lan, will I not have to buy breakfast for Brother Jin in the future?”

He felt a little lost, as if his work has been taken away from him. President Yan was such a busy boss yet he can still go out and buy breakfast.

After breakfast, Yan Qiuchi left for work. Before leaving he told Shen Jintai: “If I have time, I’ll pick you up from the crew.”

“You didn’t sleep well last night,” Shen Jintai laughed: “If you finish work early, go back and get some rest. I have Xiao Tang and the others, so you don’t need to pick me up.”

Shen Jintai touched Yan Qiuchi’s face and took a closer look: “Why are you eyes so bloodshot?”

“It was almost dawn before I fell asleep.” Yan Qiuchi said. His tone was neutral, obvious that he wasn’t trying to sell pity.

Yan Qiuchi took his coat from the hanger before saying: “Okay, I’m leaving.”

When Shen Jintai walked him to the door, Yan Qiuchi turned around and wanted to kiss him. Shen Jintai gave him a kiss, but it wasn’t enough for Yan Qiuchi. He grabbed his waist and kissed him fiercely as if he was releasing all the force he was holding in all night. Releasing his restraint, he pressed Shen Jintai on the door and kiss his neck.

They unknowingly kissed for several minutes, both of them getting riled up. Shen Jintai felt he was infected by Yan Qiuchi’s excitement. His strong desires and lust could easily be felt and was particularly easy to infect him.

“I’m leaving.” Yan Qiuchi finally let go of him, opened the door and went out.

When he left, he ran into Xiao Tang who’s been waiting in the corridor. Seeing him coming out, Xiao Tang tiptoed slightly. He no longer bowed to Yan Qiuchi. He nodded and said: “President Yan.”

Yan Qiuchi let out a “Nn” and went into the elevator.

Shen Jintai wiped the corners of his moist mouth. His tongue felt numb.

—

Since it was the first day of work after the new year, Shen Jintai had prepared red envelopes for every staff member of the crew. When he arrived on set, Xiao Tang took the box filled with red envelopes and accompanied him as he gave them out.

“I heard you were sick yesterday.” Cai Jun asked with concerned: “Are you feeling better?”

“Much better.” Shen Jintai said shyly.

It took a while to put on his makeup, mainly because he had to cover up all the hickeys on his neck. After a day had passed, the hickeys have turned darker in color that it was almost impossible to completely cover up with just make up alone.

Yan Qiuchi was out of control when they were doing it and the result was a lot of trouble for him during filming. In the end, he could only change outfits, but it didn’t match with the previous scenes he filmed. In order not to delay anymore time, they had to reshoot those scenes again.

Xu Dahai’s illness had worsen and his instance of forgetfulness had increased. Memories of the past began to occupy his mind and their father-son relationship had become more harmonious. Xu Xingchen felt that Xu Dahai was becoming more like a child. His temper was still stubborn but he could be coaxed.

It was cold in the middle of winter and the small county town was isolated. The days were short and the nights long. There was nothing to do and nowhere to go. Xu Xingchen would clean their house several times out of boredom.

As he’s doing this, he found his textbooks from middle school, toys when he was a child, and his two main diaries, eliciting past memories. From the beginning of his third year in high school, his diary was full of thoughts of a young man’s love. Sitting on the bed as he read a few entries, he felt goosebumps all of his body.

He didn’t remember what he was like when he was this young. There were still stickers of Xiaolongnu* in his diary as well as Choi Ji-Woo in and Lee Joon-gi in .

*Fictional female protagonist from the wuxia novel The Return of the Condor Heroes by Jin Yong.

He remembered that the first same-sex movie he watched in his life was . After the college entrance examination was over, he and Yu Chenglin went to an Internet cafe on Huimin Road to watch it together. At that time, the two of them were still in an ambiguous period. There was only one chair and one headset, so they huddled together in the chair, leaning against each other as they shared the headset.

After watching the movie, they went to the billiard hall on the south side of the cinema to play billiards. Yu Chenglin taught him how to play. When they went home in the evening, Yu Chenglin held his hand as they walked through a deserted alley.

It was also that day when he went home and bumped into a woman who came out of the master bedroom in untidy clothes. Xu Dahai was lying shirtless on the bed, snoring loudly. He had a bad temper and was in a cold war with Xu Dahai. Eventually, Xu Dahai had beat him and he ran away from home and stayed with Yu Chenglin for a few days. It was then that they had tasted the forbidden fruit.

In retrospect, his state of mind had been very different at that time then now. He couldn’t accept Xu Dahai’s remarriage. He was resistant to having a stepmother, not only because of his feelings for his late mother, but also for his self-esteem.

Ironically, when he came out of the closet, Xu Dahai thought that he was an embarrassment, a pervert, a sicko. He felt that his own father couldn’t understand him. He had looked online and found that homosexuality was not a perversion. Many countries were calling for gay equal rights and, in the west, some had already accepted same-sex marriage. Even doctors have said that it wasn’t a disease but more like “fireworks of a different color.”

Everything was written in his diary with scribbled handwriting. It was obvious that he was just been scolded by Xu Dahai when he wrote this entry as the feeling felt extremely angry. Now that he’s grown up, he could understand his father a bit better.

Society was developing too fast, and one generation leaves it mark on the next. Life was full of growth and changes and while some people may understand, they can’t simply start over and rebuild their foundation from scratch.

But time can change everything. Just like how Xu Dahai didn’t hesitate to sever their father-son relationship, he has now soften and would occasionally ask while they eat dinner:

“Is it okay not to go back? You’ve been gone for so long?”

“Why hasn’t he called you recently?”

Later he would even called Sun Mingzhi “Xiao Sun”: “What does Xiao Sun do?”

Xu Xingchen didn’t tell Xu Dahai that he had already broken up with Sun Mingzhi. Their relationship was already heavy enough that he didn’t want other things to complicate it further. When he thought about Sun Mingzhi, he didn’t hold anymore hatred. After crying a few times in his dreams, his life was now only filled with Xu Dahai’s affairs.

For example, taking care of Xu Dahai’s daily life. He would practice memory exorcises with him and take him to the doctor. Xu Dahai’s lack of cooperation was the biggest headache for him.

“I asked the doctor a long time ago,” Xu Dahai said: “It pointless to spend your money in vain as there won’t be any results.”

Xu Xingchen knew this in the end after the past few days of seeking medical advice.

Xu Dahai had told him to go back to Beijing.

“Let’s talk about it later.” Xu Xingchen would always say.

Xu Dahai eventually stopped urging him since Chinese New Year’s was approaching. On New Year’s Eve, Xu Xingchen climbed up the ladder and hanged a spring festival couplet on the gate. There was “Spring” in the middle and an upside-down “blessing” on both ends, which signifies “the blessings is here”. Aunt Zhao and the others were eating and chatting while Xu Dahai was cautiously holding the ladder at the bottom and commandeered: “Put it to the left. A little more left.”

The sound of firecrackers could be heard from a distance. This was the last Chinese New Year’s that they would spend together as father and son.

That night, Xu Dahai fell ill and developed a high fever. Xu Xingchen spent the night in the corridor of the hospital. When they returned home from the hospital the next day, Xu Dahai gave him all the keys, bank cards and passbooks.

“You still have so much money in your hand.” Xu Xingchen was surprised when he saw the passbook: “You said you didn’t have money to see a doctor.”

“It’s useless,” Xu Dahai withered his hands and handed him a green bank card: “This debit card was the one you gave me. I don’t know how much money you have put in it but all of it is still there…”

When he wanted to sever their father-son relationship, Xu Dahai has guilted him with all the support he’s given for so many years, that he felt compelled he needed to pay it back. He opened an account and started putting money into it every month. He first started with 600 a month, then 1,000, and eventually 2,000. Now it was estimated that the account probably held more than 100,000.

“Even if you don’t get married, you can at least still have a home. I heard that housing in Beijing are expensive… When I die, sell this house… after a few years it’ll be demolished anyways. With the money from this, you can at least afford a down payment. I haven’t saved much these years. In the past few years, it had taken me a while before I saw a doctor… Alas,” Xu Dahai sighed again and changed the topic: “When you’re old, I’ll already be gone. When you get old, who will take care of you? You have no children…”

Xu Xingchen paused and said: “These days, there are many people who aren’t married. As long as they have money, they can move into a nursing home rather than stay home alone.”

Xu Dahai didn’t understand or could accept this way of living but there was nothing to discuss. He was worried and anxious, but there was nothing he could do, so he wept silently.

Xu Dahai rarely cried so he made Xu Xingchen uncomfortable. He said: “You don’t have to worry about me. There’s been rapid social development. By then, perhaps people won’t even marry anymore. Think about it. Just ten years ago, you would have never thought that divorce would be so common now. You haven’t been to a big city before, so you don’t know that there are now a bunch of older men and women who aren’t even married. When I get older, I might be able to adopt. As long as I work hard, the adopted child will be just as good as a biological one. By then, it’s estimated that I’ll also be able to get married as well. Do you know that many countries have already legalized gay marriage?”

“It’s all possible but it’s also possible you don’t have anyone and end up alone when you’re old and have no one to care of you if you get sick. You don’t even have any siblings.”

The more he spoke the sadder he got that eventually Xu Dahai covered his face and started crying. He was old, really old. The father who had once beat him to the ground has now become an old man that would willingly cry in front of him.

The camera moved from Cai Jun’s back to Shen Jintai’s face. Shen Jintai licked his lower lip slightly as his throat bobbed. His eyes were moist, but his expression was solemn. If this was his own father, he might step forward and hug him, but as Xu Xingchen, he could only sit there, stretch out a hand, and put it on Cai Jun’s back.  

Li Meilan tilted her head slightly as he wiped away her tears.

The author has something to say：

Half sweet and half sour.

I wrote a more realistic drama inside a drama.

This movie will win big!

Kinky Thoughts: Familial love is quite complicated, especially when you’re raise in a conservative household and you’re gay.